"Happiness Now." Interesting title for a journal. It's what I titled this journal six years ago. I was 22. Pretty crazy that it's been that long and so much has changed. I haven't journaled online consistently. Off and on, I've journaled in notebooks, so my writings are scattered all over the place. I wish there was an easy way to compile everything and put it all in a book. But I guess that's the magic of it all, the journey of finding and reminiscing and trying to make everything accurate by interviewing other people and finding out what actually happened. That part actually sounds like a chore to me. And pisses me off too. As a Taurus, I hate to think that I could be wrong. But it's just my perspective was wrong, and of course, being in a different reality than everyone else can make it pretty hard to corroborate stories.
Happiness now. At the time, I thought this was the be-all end-all emotion. That all you could ever want is to be happy. But now, after a lot of soul searching, and self help book reading, I know that's not the case. We need to have all the other emotions. And sitting in some of those other emotions can feel better than happiness. Sure, happiness feels amazing, fi we actually allow ourselves to feel it. I'm struggling with that part right now. I feel so happy in moments and wait for the other shoe to drop. When will something inevitably go wrong? So I "rehearse the trauma" is what I've heard it called. I play it out in my head. If my husband dies, how will I emotionally survive? Will I be able to manage? How old will my kids be? Will I be able to lean on them or have to be strong for them? And in reality, none of this thinking would make that scenario any easier. Day by day, I would wake up and find my way.
I want to give myself permission to fully feel joy. But today, I'm struggling with feeling all my emotions. Resentment. Sadness. Feeling abandoned. Since having Olivia, I've had so many moments filled with laughter, but somehow, my brain can only remember the annoyances and struggle right now. When David goes to work all day I'm left alone with those thoughts, and the negativity has only grown. A few days ago I was in the darkest place I've been in since my last depressive episode, crying on the floor while my daughter played next to me, thinking I am not contributing to her life in a positive way at all, that she might be better off without me. And I just sat with it. I felt all my feelings, hoping they would go away. But indulging those thoughts has created a nest for them in my head.
Now I feel like I'm going through life in a fog. I'm doing all the things I love, hanging out with my husband and my daughter, but I can't let go of this resentment towards him for being the one who gets to up and leave the house whenever he wants to. When in reality, I could leave too, but I'm sometimes more depressed being out of the house. Yes I feel relieved that I can go to the store or to a coffee shop without having to entertain Olivia or have her in my arms, but honestly, she's the one I lean on all the time to bring my moods up. At least if she is smiling, I can smile back.
I want to go back sometimes to how easy it was before, and then I know I can't. I don't want to lose Olivia. I love her so much, and that's why I feel so guilty. But it was nice to not be sleep deprived. It was nice to be able to think straight in social interactions, rather than always worrying about keeping someone else alive. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting. Maybe I'm not doing as bad as I think.
I'm trying to focus on the positives. I pulled the Nine of Swords and the Four of Cups the other day. The Four of Cups says I need to meditate and focus on the beautiful just beyond my peripheral vision. The Nine of Swords depicts a woman with her face in her hands on her knees in the grass next to a pillow, nine crows (one translucent with light shining through it flying above her). Both cards have a girl, sitting in the grass either defeated or bored, which couldn't be closer to how I've been feeling and probably looking. The Nine of Swords however carries a heavier feeling, that my negative thoughts have taken hold and given in to anxiety or depression.
One suggestion from the message is that I am seeing an unhappy ending before even beginning which is an interesting thought. When I think of my life ahead, I think of trying hard to get home on flights and being stuck in the airport crying because I can't get home to my little girl. I see my daughter having difficult emotions to work through about me as an adult, angry at me for acting like my father while I raised her, and her not wanting to speak to me because I made her life hard.
Oh my god. Why I am putting myself through this hell? Of course I'm not going to be like that! No wonder I'm spiraling into this dark deep pit of despair. I'm telling myself that I'm going to be just like my parents every time I see a bit of residue come through from any childhood trauma come out of me. But I'm better than that! I know I am! I have healed, and I am healing. I'm not going to put that shame and guilt on my daughter. I'm not going to act out in anger and explode violently towards her because I have positive coping mechanisms, and if I ever were to yell at her, I would apologize and work through it with her as soon as possible, not allow that fear of my reactions to build over years until I finally decide to address the issue and apologize. I am not going to let the past repeat itself. I am stronger than they were.
I know they did their best (and don't get me wrong, I love my parents), but this is a new paradigm. We are tearing down the old shit and creating anew. I am imagining a different future for us. It's nice to finally discover what has been weighing on me (thanks for reading through this long ass therapy letter, if you've made it this far). And now, I leave you with the affirmation from the Light Seer's deck for the Nine of Swords, as I journaled about it, I discovered it in real time. "I see my fears as the illusions that they are."
I gave myself permission before the new moon to stop disassociating through podcasts and books and scrolling Instagram and to sit with my feelings. This started with many days of crying and using my husband as an emotional punching bag, which I deeply regret, and I know I'll find better coping mechanisms as I allow some of these deep-seated fears and emotions to come up. I hope these writings will help some else do the same. Man, they weren't kidding. This shadow work is freaking tough.
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