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Play the Tape Forward: Working Through Struggles with Anxiety

The worries we have every day stem from trying to protect ourselves but at what cost? If we’re always worried about the next worst thing happening, we never truly live. We don’t appreciate the moment (the “Now”) and learn to live in it fully. Instead, we worry about the next catastrophe that might hit.

I do it often. My biggest worry is losing my husband. Jessa says to play the tape forward. That’s a hard one. I know I’d be devastated, and every day would be full of grief. I would have the child we now have on the way to keep me going and give meaning to my life. I would have my writing, but that void, that emptiness would be…there are no words for what it would be. Awful doesn’t quite describe it. But in between those moments of despair, I know I could distract myself with purpose and pursuing my dreams, until we meet again.

Another worry I often have is finances. Even though the two-cup method worked for me, and we recently came into enough money to carry us through my maternity leave comfortably, I still worry what happens when we run out. I have to go back to work when we run out. And so what? I love my job. Being away from home (I am a flight attendant, so this usually is several days at a time) will be exponentially harder with a child at home. I worry it will be too much for me. And if it is? Maybe I quit my job and find a job where I live (instead of commuting to Denver for work). And would that be so bad? Or maybe we find a house in Denver or I transfer to another base, and we buy a house there. Would that be so bad? No. In fact, it may be even better!

Play the tape forward. It really does work. It doesn’t mean I’m contributing to the timeline and manifesting that as my future. I don’t put enough energy into it for that. Instead, I play it forward enough to realize I don’t have to worry. In the past, I have always figured life out. Even in impossibly rough times I couldn’t have pictured if I tried, I find the silver linings. I grow spiritually and emotionally. 

I’ve had four stays in the psychiatric hospital in my life. I was diagnosed Bipolar Type II my senior year in high school. I wouldn’t go back to those times if I was forced. It was a living hell. And yet, I look back on those days now with a different perspective because they taught me to appreciate today. I remember people I met there fondly because they taught me perseverance and other important lessons from their lives. I feel freer today because I get to leave my house whenever I want to; I don’t have to get a doctor’s approval to go home.

My last serious relationship was with someone who hurt me every day, physically and emotionally. I was terrified of him but had a sick co-dependent relationship that my heart somehow convinced me was love. I remember crying in the laundry room one day on the phone with my mom, and he came in to realize I called her in the midst of our fight, yelled “fuck you” to me and spat at my feet. I allowed that to happen to me. A part of me chose that timeline. If I spent too much time in those memories, they would haunt me. Instead, I focus on today. 

My husband is laying in bed next to me, snoring away, getting some much-needed rest before heading to work this afternoon. My back hurts immensely as I carry a gigantic belly and forty extra pounds; I’m 38 weeks pregnant. I’m on maternity leave now and have finally found the time and the courage to write, pushing passed my fears of judgment, fears of inadequacy (thanks to messages from Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert). I am finally embracing my creativity again and that tingle in my throat is gone; I know my throat chakra is healing because I’m learning to use my voice.

Today. Today things are incredible. In this moment, things are perfect. I have nothing to worry about. And if we focus on the Now, we can find this treasure. It’s essential to learn to take a deep breath in and ground ourselves. We did, after all, come to this planet to live in our bodies, to experience these lives, every feeling, every emotion. We need to stop trying to escape it.

So close your eyes and take a deep breath in. Breathe out all the tension, all that anxiety about the future. Let it go. Focus on this moment.

When I start to panic from worry, my husband reminds me of the 5-4-3-2-1 Coping Technique for Anxiety. Feel free to start implementing it from the list below:

  1. 5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.

  2. 4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you.

  3. 3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear.

  4. 2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell.

  5. 1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste.

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