Why do I want to write a book so bad? Well, the notoriety sounds amazing, for sure.
Basically to do something I would be remembered by would be incredible. No one wants to be forgotten. Even me, someone who doesn’t want to be the center of attention all the time, but definitely does not mind if she is. Mainly though, I want to do it for a cause: I want people to know what being bipolar is like. I don’t think there’s a book out there from a bipolar person, describing what their delusions are like, or showing people that the general idea of bipolar, a person who is up and down all day long, can be wrong, and I want people to know that they are not alone. I also hope they’ll see that they can accomplish more than they imagined and that they are not defined by their diagnosis of mental illness. I don’t want them to limit themselves. I’m grateful that my parents gave me the confidence that I could accomplish anything I dreamt and reminded me that I am smart and charismatic whenever I doubted myself.
Today, I am visiting a friend in Huntsville, Alabama. I have never been here before, and I have to say, it was surprising to find a rocket while leaving the airport. My friend Jodi says that this is a very smart town full of rocket scientists and engineers. Many of her music students’ parents are employed by the space station. I had no idea. Also, I am learning that football is a religion down here. Thank goodness, that is not true at home. I could honestly take football or leave it. We watched it religiously in my house, and I am obviously a Broncos fan (since birth), since I was born and raised in Colorado. However, I would not consider myself a sports fan anymore, although I am a fan of my fiancé anytime he plays soccer if that counts (of course it does).
Jodi, my friend in Huntsville, teaches music lessons now. When we were friends in college, she was studying music education, and I sang with her in the general college choir and the “more-elite” Chamber Choir. Traveling with her was so much fun! We used to look in people’s houses at night as we drove by and try to guess what show they were watching on TV. Soon after that, I moved in with her, and it was one of the most memorable times in my life. We had jam sessions with friends from the music department. We would get high (sometimes) and sing and dance, and she would play the piano, and some of the percussionists would bring their drums. Music used to have a deep place in my heart.
For the last few years, I tried to wake up in silence, no music, no shows. I was focused on getting rid of the constant noise in the background of my life and become okay with the thoughts pestering me as I woke up. It was a great discipline. However, I read recently that Tauruses have a deep connection with music (I am a Taurus, obviously, or this comment would have no pertinence). In fact, music can help a Taurus manifest things in their life. I wonder if singing something, having it stuck in my head, could help me to manifest my book (also, working on writing it would probably help too!). Anyway, “froo froo” or not, I have decided to start listening to music again.
I cannot remember the last time I learned the lyrics to a new song, and that’s pretty sad. In the last week, I’ve been putting Pandora on while I get ready, hoping it will lift my moods as this mercury retrograde hits me like a sudden hangover (since I am way more moody lately—no one sees it, but I can definitely feel it). I have not seen a significant change, but I am still optimistic. It certainly is fun to put on Pandora and have dance parties alone in my hotel room before bed. Not much feels better than dancing while no one is watching.
While I listen to the kids in the waiting room of the music conservatory Jodi works in discussing music albums coming out that they’re excited for, I wish I had never stopped. Who would I be listening to now if I was downloading albums on my phone? Who would I listen to if I listened to music I loved, rather than what was popular, or what my friends liked ten years ago or back in college? I definitely have a lot to learn because I think I’ve missed the last five years of music evolution.