"The bright is brighter, and the dark is darker." As we wake up, I feel this to be more and more true. As I see more and more of the beauty in myself, the love and the compassion, the nurturing mother, and all I have to give, the parts of me that are dark, the shadow self as many would call it, seem so much worse. It's hard to embrace but necessary. And necessary to work through my feelings about it all. I think that's part of what I was struggling through yesterday, trying to put a word to all the feelings that have been coming up. All the hatred I feel towards myself. I feel sad about it. And it's suffocating.
Last week, I kept feeling like it's time to focus on me. I am so worried about other people, trying to help them, trying to change them. But I'm forgetting the golden rule of healing. You can't change anyone else; you can only change your reaction to them. And if I'm mad at others for judging, I'm at fault too because I'm judging them. If I'm looking at other people and seeing their flaws, maybe it's just a reflection of what I've been doing to myself. I've been watching someone in my family display the church's homophobia, and it pisses me off to such an intense degree. I've been saying to them (mentally of course) "Mind your own f***ing business!" Well guess what? Right back at you! Why don't I mind my own f***ing business? After all I can only change my react to them. Yes, it's not bad for me to express to them how hateful I feel their being but then I need to let it go because it's affecting me deeply and hurting me and our relationship more than anything.
While reading A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson's book on A Course in Miracles, I realized that forgiveness and love is what changes people. All I can do is display that to them. And not in a resentful way, but I can show them love, show their gay family member love, and display the type of love I believe Jesus would have for all of us. When I believe wrong is being done, I don't have to shut up about it, but I do need to work on letting it go and not harboring anger inside. Or at least finding a healthy release for that anger and not withholding love out of irritation towards a judgmental family member.
I want to show my daughter how to act, and I can't gossip about everyone and show her that that's normal. I can't harbor anger and annoyance and make her think that's normal too. It's better to find a healthy outlet and let it all go.
Another message I got today from my guides was to "keep going." I'm on the right path even though I feel I have so far to go to reach my goals. It's not helping me to quit halfway through. And in a podcast I heard today, Episode 1 of Woo as F***, I realized I'm not the only one struggling with showing my face and self worth issues. I am authentic, and it's time to show other people what being authentic is like without marketing myself. So here goes, I'm going to write just to write, and if you feel like reading, go for it. This is me. All of me. My struggles through this beautiful life some of us like to call our spiritual journey.
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